


Ice Tea Penance

by Cyane



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Assassination Attempt(s), Avenger Loki (Marvel), Gen, Protective Avengers, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, literally it's fluffy and funny as hell and then it gets angsty and h/c as hell, sorta - Freeform, the avengers are cool with loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 10:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13098345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyane/pseuds/Cyane
Summary: It's Loki's birthday, he's an Avenger, and he wants to eat shawarma and drink tea. (And the rest of the Avengers arenotokay with someone trying to kill him.)





	Ice Tea Penance

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this amazingly depressing idea I had. I was really excited to write this one. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd, of course, since I'm far too shy to share one of my silly fics with a single person. So instead, I share it with the internet! I don't own any characters or anything from the MCU, and the only thing I own are the typos!!

None of the Avengers had expected the guy to pull out a gun and hold it to the back of Loki's head. Which was actually, probably naive of them, given the circumstances. Sure, it had been almost three years since the battle of New York, and, for the most part, the press and the public had grown to accept Loki. Loki had publicly worked with the Avengers in their battles, fighting alongside them, saving people, and Tony had explained to the press alongside doctor Banner that Loki had been under the influence of the stone as much as Erik Selvig or Clint Barton. 

But in retrospect, three years wasn't that long of a time. It wasn't long enough for people to _forget_. Almost two-thousand dead, and there were a lot of people who wanted to put Loki in torture chambers for the part he had in the battle of New York. 

So, really... the gun really wasn't all that surprising.

It started when Tony offered to take the team out for Loki's birthday. 

"For my birthday?" Loki had snorted, looking amused. "You know, back on Asgard, birthdays are hardly given the grandeur that Midgard gives them. I suppose that's because you only have so long to celebrate, though?"

Ignoring Loki's bat at humanity, Thor furrowed his brow. "We celebrated the day of our birth on Asgard. We had big feasts, and--"

"--We had big feasts _every_ day." Loki drawled.

Tony groaned dramatically. "The first time I try and do something nice in weeks, and it's turned down. Come _on_ , I'll take you anywhere you wanna go. The fanciest restaurant in Paris? Done. You want the Chinese takeout place in the lobby? Also done. Don't care about the cost, or how much, or how weird or wild. It's approximately your birthday in Earth-years and we celebrate everyone _else's_ birthday."

"We have varying concepts of the word 'celebrate'," Natasha said. "Since, in the past, yours has been to literally drink yourself to death so that palladium in your chest wasn't the thing to kill you."

"First of all," Tony began, swinging a finger at the redhead. "The drinking was _your_ idea, remember? Secondly, that was _twice_."

"Twice?" Clint piped up. "When was the second time?"

Tony shrugged mysteriously and turned back to Loki. "Anyway. What'da'ya say, Lokes?"

Loki rolled his shoulders uncomfortably at the sudden attention. "...I don't know much about Midgardian foodstuff," he admitted finally. Thor brightened visibly at the admission, puffing out his chest, proud to share his knowledge with his brother.

"Pop-tarts," Thor said happily.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Those thin things Thor puts in the toaster," Bruce elaborated. "They're incredibly unhealthy."

"Yeah, not what I had in mind for Loki's birthday dinner, big guy." Tony interrupted. "What sort of thing did you like on Asgard?"

That was a more difficult question to answer. Loki snorted instead of actually giving a straight answer. "I mostly remember mead and ale," he snipped, rolling his eyes. It wasn't entirely false, either. The warrior's three, in particular, had been notorious alcoholics. Almost all Asgardians had. 

They took a moment to stew in their own thoughts.

Steve, who had been mostly silent throughout the conversation, looked up from his book. "What about Shawarma?" 

 

\---

 

Seeing Loki without his getup was nothing short of strange. Without the forty-pounds of leather layers, and the ridiculous golden helm, he was far less intimidating. Perhaps part of it was also due to the lack of infinity-stone/Thanos influence. His eyes had returned to their natural, sharp green color, and the crazed look he had been carrying was lessening day by day. Of course, the bags under his eyes only deepened, but only because he lost sleep.

In Steve's opinion, it was a good sign. Of course the team worried about Loki and Clint's mental health, but the very fact that they felt _guilt_ meant they were no longer the mindless soldiers the stones and Thanos had tried to make them into. 

And they weren't. Definitely not. It was just more pronounced- as it was with the rest of the team, as well- that they were so suddenly human. (Although Loki wasn't actually human, but... the point remains.)

Because he could be nice when he wanted to, Tony kept on a hat, sunglasses, and a jacket, as he usually did when the team was out. It was a bit harder for Thor, since it was hard to miss the flowing golden locks, strange phrasing, rippling muscles, and loud voice. Natasha was already a master of hiding in plain sight, and Clint looked relatively average without his getup. Steve usually put on a hat and glasses as well, just in case.

It was exhausting, actually, to be the Avengers. Especially when the public knew who they were. First of all, it was dangerous, because there would always be people who opposed them. Secondly, it got irritating and overwhelming to constantly have hordes of paparazzi shadowing you. Steve wasn't sure how Tony managed it all the time. In fact, he was pretty sure that he'd rather fight another five rounds of doom bots than face a crowd of people. 

Loki definitely looked different, in a strange way. There wasn't much of a difference to the onyx hair, green eyes, pale skin, and cheekbones, but just in the way he composed himself. Loki was furiously polite, although he could match Natasha in wit and Tony in snark. He stopped raising his chin so much, or at least when he didn't feel threatened. He folded his legs underneath him when he sat on the floor, and he had developed a slightly unhealthy bond to sweaters with collared shirts underneath. The rolled sleeves always made Natasha laugh.

It was the little things like that, the tiny details about someone, and the fact that _Loki_ had those tiny details, that made the team begin seeing who he was outside of Thanos' reach. Tiny humanistic imperfections and quirks. Actual personality. 

So when Loki walked with them down to the shawarma joint, it wasn't the same Loki that they had fought in New York. 

"I'm paying for everything," Tony announced when they sat at a table. "Order whatever the hell you want. And no, I'm not taking 'no' for an answer, Rogers."

Steve huffed out an amused breath, but didn't retort. He had already learned that money was the only way Tony knew how to show his affections to the rest of them. It was all good intent, and he couldn't argue with that.

After a moment of scanning the menu, Natasha nudged Loki. "What are you getting?" She asked quietly. 

Loki had been staring at the menu for nearly six minutes, feeling more bewildered as the time passed. "I have no idea."

She seemed to understand. Natasha _always_ understood. It was infuriating. "I get it. How about we order a lot of different things and then we just share around, family style?" There were a few twitches at the word 'family'. It was still a new concept, even after the few years that had passed.

"Hummus platter," Bruce said immediately. Everyone turned to look at him, and he quickly turned red in embarrassment. "I mean... if... anyone else wants that."

"You got it, Brucey-bear. Shawarma all around, hummus for Bruce, fattoush and tabbouleh for the assassin-twins over there... want anything special, Loki? It is _your_ birthday." 

Loki looked back at the laminated menu. He had no idea what most of the words meant, since there was no translation into Asgard, and, therefore, Allspeak. They were _names_ , and they had absolutely no meaning to him. Loki didn't like not knowing. 

"Ah... that." He pointed to something random and hoped for the best. Tony looked over his shoulder to see what he was pointing at. On the other side of Loki, Clint leaned over and did the same.

_Lebanese iced tea......................8_

Loki looked down at his choice, then frowned. He still was unsure of the first phrase of text, but the next two easily translated into Allspeak, saying 'ice' and 'tea'. Loki had never had tea in the form of ice, or anything close to it. Beside him, Clint was holding back a laugh.

"Do you even know what that says?"

Loki bristled. "It's _tea_."

Clint blinked in surprise. "I didn't know that you knew what tea was. You have tea in Asgard?"

"First of all, Doctor Banner has the green tea all the time in the tower. Secondly, tea is the only drink worth having in Asgard, and I probably wouldn't have survived my childhood without it." Loki straightened his back out, feeling a bit better, knowing that he wasn't completely oblivious. 

Thor snorted. "You've always been a light drinker, haven't you, brother? Hardly anyone on Asgard knew what tea was, much less--"

"Boring history lesson over!" Tony shouted, making several of them roll their eyes. "Okay, I'm going to go order. Don't have too much fun."

It was a bit unnecessary, since the only people in the restaurant were them, and since the register was only about five feet away. When Tony approached the register, a young man came out from the back, smiling widely at Tony. 

"Mr. Stark!" The man exclaimed, seeing right through the disguise. It was no surprise. The Lebanese joint had quickly become a team-favorite, although most of them had been forced to cut themselves off from it purely because it was becoming so routine. Tony went at least every few weeks, though, and the small staff had become well aware that they were serving the Avengers. It was a win-win, really, because Tony paid well and the team ate a _lot_ , and the tiny place was almost always deserted, despite being in New York. 

"Hey, Foziah. Any specials I should know about?"

At the table, Natasha slapped Clint's hand away from the metal spice holder, where the archer was stealthily stealing yet _another_ sugar packet. 

"Will you stop? That wasn't even sugar, that was Splenda!" 

Tony came back and sat down, taking out his phone and typing away. "Food should be ready in fifteen minutes, tops. Remind me to tip Foziah really well, will you?" Loki glanced at the register, and sure enough, Foziah had disappeared into the kitchen again. 

"Happy birthday, Loki," Steve said out of nowhere. 

Everyone quickly joined in, murmuring happy wishes. Loki nodded a bit sheepishly, unsure of how he should respond. A wave of something seemed to be filling him up, leaving him with a terribly _happy_ feeling. He hadn't felt so good in a long time. Across from him, Thor was giving him a thoughtful smile, and Loki knew his brother was going through the same thought process. 

They'd come a long way.

Behind them, the door swung open and another customer came in. The little bell above the door jingled around a bit, but no one paid it much attention. 

"Yeah, Loki, happy--"

"Hey!" Natasha yelled, cutting Clint off. She had been trained too well to miss any subtle thing, no matter the place or occasion. In her peripheral vision, she watched as the man walked into the restaurant, under the pretense of waiting at the register, right behind Loki. The second Clint had addressed Loki by name, the man had reached into his coat and pulled out the unmistakable silhouette of a gun. 

In one smooth motion, Natasha called out as she took out her own gun from it's hidden location in one boot, and it was already armed and locked in on the man the second the man aimed the gun at Loki. 

When the brief confusion had passed, and the rest of the team had turned to assess the situation, the rest of the team began springing into action. 

Loki stared hard at the man aiming the gun at him, for only a second, before he flicked his hand and froze the rest of the team. Green tendrils of magic wove around each member of the team and kept them in place, save their faces, so they were still able to see and breathe. 

The second Loki used his magic, the man's hold on the gun tightened, and he moved quickly towards Loki, digging the tip of the metal instrument into Loki's forehead. 

He was trembling.

Loki didn't even blink. 

Natasha was frozen in her defensive position, hands wrapped around the gun, although she would never be able to shoot the man. Tony was mid-stand up, along with Bruce and Thor, and Clint had his arms slightly extended, as if to shove Loki out of the path of the bullet. None of them were able to move. 

Loki blinked up at the man, remaining silent. He was a tall, lanky man, who looked to be about fifty or so. Choppy blonde hair stuck out at all ends around a black knit beanie that had been thrown on. Beyond the tremble in his hands, the man's eyes were also dangerously close to watering. 

_"You,"_ the man spat, rage palpable. 

Without flinching, Loki met his eyes, although the god made sure to keep his face neutral and devoid of any defensive or threatening expression. 

"Yes."

Loki looked at the man's attire. Just under the puffy black coat was a work uniform, with a nametag. In slightly jagged handwriting was written, _Nicholas_. 

"You killed my sister, and my son, _and_ my mother," Nicholas snarled. His face was growing redder by the second, tears spilling over. As it had been said, there were still many people who hadn't forgotten or even begun to forgive the actions that had happened in the battle of New York. Nicholas was one of them. 

Almost two thousand deaths, and Nicholas had lost at least three people he loved.

Loki was reminded of how much he hated himself.

"Actions I made most likely led to their deaths," Loki agreed quietly. Not pitifully. Loki wasn't about to try and play a sympathy card- not in this. There were no cards in this, just simple honesty, as part of Loki's penance. 

Nicholas shook his head, and revenge swum in his eyes. "I'm gonna kill you, you murderous bastard."

"I won't try and stop you." 

Loki had to strain on his magic, a bit, to his surprise. He could almost hear the rest of the team shouting mental retorts, and he felt them trying to resist his magic, trying to move, trying to protect him. The only problem was that he didn't need protecting. He deserved whatever this man dealt to him, clean and simple. Loki knew that.

Nicholas twitched violently, chin trembling. "Why? You wanna die? You wanna get out easy, do you?" The sharp edge of the gun jabbed into Loki's temple. 

"No, I don't," Loki said calmly. "Honestly, death is too great an honor for someone like me. That's the reason no one has killed me, yet. Living is much, much harder."

"Tell that to my _family_ , you scumbag!"

Loki let him speak, fully and completely and scathing, before he said his piece. 

"I'm sorry," Loki said. He laid his hands out flat on his knees. "I know sorry doesn't even begin to cover your losses. No apology can turn back the clock, no regret or guilt can change what has already happened. I can't bring back your family." When Nicholas didn't respond, save be for a long sob, Loki continued.

"And I won't try to stop you. I truly will not. If you need to kill me to find peace, you should. But I will tell you, sir, that I _am_ trying to help. I know that doesn't help, that those are just words. I know that help doesn't really matter to you if you've already lost those you care for. But I have been saving people with the Avengers. I have been trying to right some wrongs, I have been trying to save those that can be saved, now."

The gun didn't move.

"...And I will take whatever you give me, because I can never give you back what I have taken, and I will always be in Midgar-... in _Earth_ 's debt."

Nicholas's face was contorting in agony as the man fought against his own thoughts. For a long, few moments, Loki held the man's gaze, and just sat there, waiting for Nicholas to make his move. 

"I hate you," he bit out, not bothering to wipe away the tears.

Loki didn't avert his gaze. He wouldn't do this man the dishonor of looking away, of refusing to listen with every ounce of himself to what this man had to say. He didn't respond, either, because that in of itself seemed like an insult. 

Nicholas sucked in a short breath. "You don't deserve to die. You have to fix what you've done."

"I will do my best-"

"- _No_. You _will fix what you've done._ "

Loki paused. "I will fix everything that I can. _That_ is a promise."

The gun was shoved roughly away from his forehead, and Loki immediately had to resist the urge to rub at it. There would be bruising, soon enough, he knew. In retrospect, it was probably the least that could have happened. 

Nicholas gave a sharp, angry nod. "I'm not sayin' that one day I won't come up and shoot you without hesitatin'," he hissed. "I'm sayin' that you ruined my life and you don't get to get a quick way out. You get to suffer with the rest of us."

Loki felt weariness ache, deep in his bones, and some part of him wanted to scream. _Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't I longed for death for enough time as to be given one simple request? Can't I just have this one thing, can't I just rest, for once in my life?_

Loki didn't voice those thoughts, he just nodded. 

"I'll still let you. Kill me, I mean."

Nicholas laughed humorlessly. "I'd like to see you try to stop me."

 _I could_ , Loki thought. But the very fact that he knew he _wouldn't_ proved how much he had changed. 

The man glanced around before shoving the gun back into his coat and taking a second of hesitation before running back out of the restaurant. The little bell above the door gave the same happy jingle as the man left, but suddenly, it felt too inappropriate. 

Loki turned back around to face the table and let his magic gradually roll back into him. Immediately the rest of the Avengers were moving again. It quickly fell into dead silence, yet again, since they had seen and heard the entire conversation. Natasha looked out the glass door for a long moment before tucking her own gun away and sitting back down. Tony, Bruce, and Thor also fell back into their chairs, and Clint pulled his arms back.

Loki knew what Tony would normally say: _awkward._

Foziah reappeared at that exact moment, carrying two plastic bags full of Styrofoam boxes. He placed them on the counter. Since everyone else seemed lost in thought, Loki stood up and retrieved the bags and a glass of the ice tea, giving Foziah a warm smile and saying 'thank you'. The man nodded happily and returned to the kitchen. 

Loki set the food on the table and sat back down.

No one said anything.

Thor finally swallowed, thickly. "Loki..." He trailed off. Loki didn't bother cutting him off, since it was obvious Thor had no idea what else to say. It was a small blessing, in all honesty.

Steve's head dropped a little and he glanced up at Loki. "Do you want us to... do something? Follow him, make sure he doesn't come back?" The words were forced and weak, and Loki rolled his eyes at them, pulling out his container of shawarma. 

"God, no. Did you hear a word of that?"

"Loki-!" Thor blurted out, sounding like he was being strangled. 

"For the love of- are you all honestly surprised? What are you surprised at?" Loki snapped, although there was no heat behind it. "Are you surprised that someone wanted to kill me? Because we all know that there are plenty of people who want me dead, and most of them would have actually gone through with it. Are you surprised that I would have let him? Because, again, _we all know_ that I caused almost two thousand Midgardians to perish. That is on me."

"You stopped us. You restrained us, you would've let yourself get killed right in front of us?" Clint responded, sounding pissed off. "You think that New York was your fault? Newsflash, Loki, if that is on _you_ , then it's on me, too! You know how many of my own agents I murd--"

" _I_ controlled you, if you haven't forgotten," Loki said.

Clint's lip curled into a snarl. "Of course I haven't, asshole. But _Thanos_ controlled you, dipshit!"

Loki raised an eyebrow at the insults and turned back to the glass of ice tea. He was uncomfortably aware that everyone's eyes were still boring into him. Natasha was the first to look away, and she silently took out her own package of shawarma. Bruce followed suit, looking distinctly green around the edges, although Loki wasn't sure if it was from his alter-ego, or if it was from him genuinely feeling ill. 

Steve narrowed his eyes, desperately trying to find the words to say what he wanted to. After a moment, he began, "Loki, as the captain of the Avengers, you have to understand that I won't allow anyone on this team to be killed."

"I'm not an Avenger," Loki snapped back, feeling his temper shorten. "Honestly, we've all known it. I--"

"-Am I an Avenger?" Tony asked. His voice was uncharacteristically serious. 

"Well... of course," Loki sputtered.

"I've killed people. Not directly, of course... mostly second-hand. But I made weapons that were used to kill god knows how many people. Thousands? Tens of thousands? Hell, it could be up to the millions by now. I didn't care who got them, just that I got paid for them. And I think that's _worse_ , because while it wasn't as big or dramatic or memorable as the New York invasion, I wasn't even being mind controlled. Not even coerced. I was just willfully ignorant."

"Stark-"

"And the second I realized, I shut it down. I started working to be a better person, to do some good, to save some lives and to try to cover some of the mistakes I'd made. But it's really clear that you don't get rid of that shit. You don't get clear of the people you've killed. You can save a million people and kill one and it'll still stick out like a bomb. I've literally murdered people, Loki. That means I'm trying my damn hardest to save as many people as I can, these days, just like you."

Natasha spoke before Loki could respond. "You were controlled, Stark was ignorant. I knew full well what I was doing. I didn't discriminate. I killed children, Loki. I looked at babies, I met their eyes, and I got them point-blank. I've worked as an assassin. I've worked as a weapon. Even when I work as an Avenger, I'm still killing. Yeah, I'm killing things so that they won't kill everyone else, but I'm still killing things."

"Me, too," Clint added, taking a sip of Coke. "I killed seven of my _own_ agents, Loki. And yeah, it took me some time to come around. But I blame Thanos for that, not you. You were the face I saw when I was taking my orders, so I took it out on you until I found out that you had been under your own set of orders. I doubt there's anyone in SHIELD who still trusts me. So when you blame yourself for something that's not your fault, I get it, man. I get it more than you'd think."

After a moment of silence, Bruce sighed. "I don't think I need to explain, too much, do I? I'm not the same person as the other guy, y'know? But... we're still the same... _person_. It doesn't make one hell of sense. I've killed my own girlfriend. I'm sure that the US government's Christmas list includes my head on a platter."

"We've all killed people," Steve summarized, looking Loki in the eye. " _All_ of us. Nobody is innocent, not really. But we're not evil. People aren't just good or bad, based on who they were raised as," Steve said, gesturing towards Natasha, "based on who they were forced to be," he gestured towards Clint, "based on who they were expected to be," he looked to Tony, "or based on a part of them they couldn't control." Steve nodded at Banner. "People aren't black or white, Loki. Not on the inside, not where it really counts. People make mistakes, and sometimes their mistakes are worse than others. The important thing is who you choose to be, and what you choose to do. Because you have a _choice_ , now, and you're choosing to be good."

Loki swallowed thickly, staring down into the ice tea. 

"I tried to commit genocide," Thor said, his voice barely a whisper. "On your own race, Loki. I made so many mistakes in our childhood, and so many of them haunt me, since you let go, that day on the Bifrost, since you fell to Thanos, since you feel this way about yourself still. You aren't a monster, Loki... and I am deeply, deeply sorry for everything I have done to convince you otherwise. You are my _brother_ , blood be damned."

Loki tried to swallow again, tried to shove down the rising tide of emotions, but something caught in his throat and he was absolutely unable to. 

"You're an Avenger, Loki." Steve said firmly. 

"You can try to complete your penance, like we are all tryin' to do, man. But you have to understand that we aren't going to let you die for it," Clint smiled wryly. "You're stuck with us, man."

Natasha put a hand on Loki's, and said nothing. 

Loki looked up, and everyone was looking back at him. Earnestly. It was disgustingly sappy, and Loki let out a weak, wet snort. "You're all insane."

"You bet your ass we are," Tony muttered. "But like Nat said, we're family. So get fucking used to it, yeah?"

It was hard to accept. It would always be hard to accept, in a way. As it had been said, there is no way to take back mistakes. You can't un-say things, you can't un-kill someone. You can't go back and chance the fact that you failed yourself and people around you. The best you can do after it all is strive to be better.

The Avengers ate shawarma and Loki drank his ice tea, and Loki decided, in that moment, after years of refusing to accept it, that he would be an Avenger. 

That would be his penance.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed reading that! I had loads of fun writing it, although now it's one in the morning and I'm extremely tired. Please leave kudos/comments if you liked! (Or if you didn't, ha.) 
> 
> I'll be writing loads more angsty Loki one-shots in the future, although many will probably be centered around Loki and Thor in Ragnarok and the upcoming infinity war. 
> 
> So... if you're into that, please check by sometime!


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